A Very strange Bomberman Christmas
by Fnanit-banana
Summary: A strange, disturbing tale about what happens when Christmas is in peril and the only heroes left to save it are the Bombers. Banana finally gets her Christmas wish. By Fnanit.
1. Act I: Opening

**Wow, this is it. This is Christmas. I'm sorry to say that, as of the 23rd of December, 2005, the fanfiction is not completely finished. I must warn you that I may have been under the influence while writing this fic. It is very strange. If this fic doesn't even get a teeny 'lol' out of you... you're weird.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bomberman, the karaboms, any of the bombers, Gameboy, Monopoly, Disney, Toys R Us, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or podoboos.**

**Note: Since this is kindaa Christmas present for Banana, it's filled with inside jokes. For example, if you're wondering why podoboos are in the store and answer to the name 'pyro-ninny', you'll have to wait for the end of the fic. Then i will explain all inside jokes.**

Pommy stood on top of our favorite hero's head, attempting to put the star on top of the Christmas tree. Though it was a bit craggly and had some bare spots, Pommy picked this tree out of the thousands he could have. We really don't know why.

"Bomberman has to stand higher! HIGHER!"

Suddenly, the star was taken out of Pommy's hands and placed on the tree by none other than Pommy Dragon, who conked Pommy in the head after not getting any thanks.

"This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!" Bomberman cried.

We'll see, Bomberman. We'll see.

----------Meanwhile…----------

"What!" Thunder Bomber was having an argument with Fnanit. "I'm not wasting any precious money this year on those buffoons!"

"Remember what happened last year?" Fnanit threatened, remembering the Flame Bomber incident.

"…"

"If you don't buy them all presents I will continue to stalk and glomp you!"

"…"

"FOREVER!"

"Fine. I will buy them all presents."

Fnanit continued to threaten the other various villains to buy each other presents.

----------Meanwhile, during some Christmas shopping…----------

"Ok, now that the tree's up, let's see who I have to buy presents for…"

Pommy

Pommy Dragon

Pommy Knuckles

Pommy Beast

Ceedrun

Sharkun

Uni

Yuono

Ligon

Angol

Sparkun

Elfan

Pox

Stegodon

Pteradon

Kai-man

Max (Usually capitalized as MAX, but NOT THIS TIME!)

Bomberman noticed that underneath his neatly typed list of people to buy for was a crudely written list of even more people. It read,

Thunder Bomber

Flame Bomber

Grand Bomber

Pretty Bomber

Banana

Ruki-chan

Bomberman read down the list, slightly confused, until he got to that last name. "Ruki…"

----------Somewhere else, again…----------

Ruki frowned at the last name on his list. "Bomberman," he repeated. He knew Fnanit wouldn't stand for it if he didn't buy for every single person she had told him to, and he knew the kind of power she had. He shivered. Not only as the writer, but as his…

----------Bomberman actually does his shopping now…----------

Bomberman had no idea what to get Pommy for Christmas. There was nothing that Pommy wouldn't either break or cause trouble with. Suddenly, something caught his eye. "A Gameboy!" Bomberman exclaimed, picking it up. It was only $3 anyway, and Pommy would entertain himself with it without knowing how to work it.

Next on Bomberman's list; Pommy Dragon. _Well, that's easy,_ he thought, _just get him a tree to burn down_. And, in fact, that's exactly what Bomberman did. He took out a pen and piece of paper, and scribbled down messily, 'Burn down X-mas Tree'.

Pommy Knuckles was a little easier to buy for. One look at the list and Bomberman screamed, "SOCCER BALL!"

_Pommy Beast probably doesn't care what I get him,_ Bomberman thought, _he's just… like…a baby!_ And with that, Bomberman headed to the baby goods section. Not diapers. Not a crib. Not a rattle. "This is useless," Bomberman complained, and bought him Monopoly instead. "May he choke on the game pieces."

Ceedrun, who Bomberman liked a lot, got a considerably better present. Bomberman went to the bakery and bought EVERY SINGLE PRETZEL THEY HAD. Soft pretzels, hard pretzels, sourdough pretzels, straight pretzels, knotty pretzels, pretzel sticks, Pretz (Japanese snack)- EVERY PRETZEL! Hey, Ceedrun's gotta eat…

Now that they were getting out of the Pommy section of the list (excluding Ceedrun), Bomberman's care for what gifts he bought increased quite a bit. Remembering that Sharkun was, in fact, a shark, he bought him a kiddy pool. That would have been a pretty cool present except for the fact that it was Disney Princess themed… shiver…

Uni was more of the strange sort, Bomberman had decided. Its name changes throughout the games as well as its voice, and it spent quite some time in the body of Dark Force Bomber. Bomberman had an evil thought. He bought a Dark Force Bomber doll.

Bomberman really didn't care about Yuono either, but because of the confusion between it and Uni, Bomberman bought it a name tag. Yes, a name tag.

Ligon was a kitty sort of thing, so Bomberman decided to go to Petco to find what he was looking for. As he walked around, he saw a little puppy. "Hi, little guy!" Bomberman said, petting it.

The puppy mauled him.

Bruises aplenty, Bomberman searched around the store frantically, trying not to be seen by any more dogs. He spied a little kitty. "Hi, little guy!"

Furious at having been called a guy, she mauled Bomberman.

Bomberman decided not to pet any more kitties. But then he found a turtle…

The turtle mauled him somehow.

Bomberman, now in a full body cast, grabbed something off the shelves and ran out of the store. "Finally away from those mauling beasts!" Bomberman sighed.

Thinking Bomberman was referring to them, a squirrel, raccoon, chipmunk, newt, gecko, bird, frog, and koala mauled him.

----------Thunder Bomber goes shopping----------

Wary that Fnanit was probably stalking him, ready to glomp him and call him her 'bishie', Thunder Bomber began his Christmas shopping. "She's making me buy stuff for Flame Bomber? She doesn't even like Flame Bomber!" He pouted but grabbed a scented candle anyway. "Pyromaniac," he grumbled.

Upon seeing the name Grand Bomber on his list, he cringed. Never has anyone had a performance worse than he. So much for people 'cowering in fear'. He grabbed an advertisement for a weight loss program. And a pickaxe.

Pretty Bomber. He didn't even want to think about Pretty Bomber. Also known as Mermaid Bomber, Pink Bomber, and Beauty Bomber. He took out a pen and piece of paper from his magical pocket and wrote "CHRISTMAS PAPER", along with a crude drawing of Flame Bomber's head. Thunder Bomber broke into uncontrollable laughter and attracted some unwanted attention from nearby.

"What are you doing shopping in the same store as me!" Flame bomber appeared from behind a tower of cans.

"_You're_ shopping in the same store as _me_!"

"Pervert!"

"Stalker!"

Flame Bomber gasped. "Are you shopping for Pretty bomber!"

"I'd never shop for her!"

Fnanit shot a malicious grin toward Thunder Bomber.

"Er, er, YEAH! I _am _shopping for her!"

"OMGWTFBBQ! AT LEAST I WILL BUY HER THE BETTER PRESENT!"

A thought struck Thunder Bomber. If he could get Pretty Bomber a better present than Flame Bomber… yes! It would be perfect!

"You know what, pyro-ninny! I bet you _I_ get her a better present."

"PYRO-NINNY!" Flame Bomber roared. Somewhere nearby, some podoboos scooted out from a corner to come watch the action.

"Yeah, that's right. P-I-R-O-ninny."

"You spelled that wrong."

"I know, that means YOU'RE spelled wrong!"

"Your BRAIN is spelled wrong!"

"Your brain is spelled n-o-n-e-x-i-s-t-a-n-t!"

"n-o-n…"

"…"

"WHAT! Ok, that's it, I'M GOING SHOPPING!"

"You do that," Thunder Bomber said, grinning andwaving as Flame Bomber ran off, knocking several things off their shelves. "Time to begin plan A…" he said, a hint of craziness in his voice.

----------Toys R Us…----------

Flame Bomber looked around frantically. Time was running out! He had to find the ultimate present to defeat his long-time rival, or who knows what would happen!

Well, not really, but that's what he thought.

"This store is too huge! I'll never be able to search it by myself!" Striking a triumphant pose, he yelled out, "I've got it! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Flame Alliance!"

Four Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles dropped in from nowhere.

"You must find me the best gift ever!"

They ran off. A minute or two later, they all came back holding something.

"Wadda you got?" Flame Bomber said, pointing to the first one, who held up an action figure of himself. He fell into a trap door.

"Wadda you got?" Flame Bomber pointed to the second one, who held up an action figure of himself. He got pwned by the milkman.

"Wadda you got?" Flame Bomber pointed to the third one, who held up an action figure of himself. He got eaten by the milkman's cow.

"Wadda you got?" Flame Bomber pointed half-heartedly to the fourth one, who held up an action figure of himself. He died a slow painful death by way of too many tissues.

----------Somewhere, away from dying ninja turtles…----------

Bomberman, who was now out of his body cast, was not painfully waddling around town, trying to figure out where to go where he wouldn't have any more incidents with animals. No way was he gonna get another earthworm up the nose. And he had yet to buy a present for Ligon. He walked in and out of the chocolate shop in only a few seconds, pretending to forget that chocolate was poisonous to cats.

Angol was not fearfully hard to buy for. Some fish food would probably do. If Bomberman weren't so afraid of Petco, he would've probably gotten fish food. He got the next best thing: Vegetable oil. At least, Bomberman thought it was the next best thing.

He bought Elfan muffins THE END.

Pox, who frequently followed Bomberman around screaming "POX! POX! POX!" was bought some disinfectant. Heheh. Pox. I'm surprised Bomberman figured that one out. And somewhere out there, Bomberman is probably saying, 'what? Pox and disinfectant have no relation. Nuh-uh.'

Bomberman, who was tired of providing his karaboms with presents, left the last three un-presented. Walking along the street, he suddenly stopped cold. "Max…" he whispered. He knew Max was ever-watching and all-seeing. He decided that, in order to surprise Max, he would have to go to the one place he would never suspect…

That one store in the mall.

As Bomberman slunk his way into the mall, he occasionally caught a glimpse of Max stalking him from a short distance away. "Wow," he said, "I didn't actually think he'd be following me." He finally made his way into the mall.

Bomberman was not used to escalators. About halfway up, he started sweating and hyperventilating. About two thirds of the way up, he started hallucinating.

"Ah-ah! Mom's cookies are riding the escalator! Cookies, you should be in Santa's stomach, not riding the escalator! I want to eat the cookies-"

"BLARG-"

"Ow, that hurt, the cookie had like demented chocolate chips…"

"I am not a chocolate chip cookie, you idiot!"

Bomberman looked up, his strange episode finally over.

"Oh, hi Max! I was doing some Christmas shopping for you! Could you not follow me or something?"

"No."

"What!" Bomberman yelled. "Why not? Don't you want it to be a surprise?"

"Not really."

"You suck! You ruin the Christmas spirit!"

"Well… you're stupid."

"Stupid? That's it, maybe I won't buy a Christmas present for you!"

"…" Max paused. "N-no, that's ok, you're not really that stupid…"

----------Meanwhile, as Thunder Bomber begins his quest…----------

"I can't find any freakin' Christmas presents!" Thunder Bomber cried, stomping around the store. Suddenly, an idea popped into his head…

----------Now back to the show…----------

Bleebleebleebleep! Bleebleebleebleep!

"What? You're disturbing me in the middle of paying for stuff!" Bomberman complained, handing the cashier a hundred dollar bill and running off with the present. "Fine, if it's urgent…

----------Wherever he was going…----------

"Took you long enough," Black Bomber complained.

"I was getting ice cream!" Bomberman pouted. Black Bomber just raised an eyebrow. "Ok then," he said, "anyway, we have a mission for you…"

"Santa Claus!" Bomberman yelled in disbelief. "But who would want to kidnap Santa Claus?"

"I don't know," Black Bomber shook his head, "but whoever it is must be stopped! The vile scum… who could rid the children of all their presents? We must bring back Santa Claus!"

"SANTA!" Bomberman screamed, jumping up and flinging his ice cream everywhere. The majority of the gloop landed on Louie's head, and the green bunny was rather displeased.

"I shall begin immediately!"

----------Somewhere in Grand Bomber's… umm… 'Pad'…----------

Grand Bomber was getting bored. There was never anything to do around Christmastime. Despite Fnanit's threats he managed to not buy any presents for anyone, as a good villain should. And besides, he could make fun of the rest of themfor giving gifts to people.

Finally deciding to read the newspaper (which he hadn't in several months), the large words printed in bold on the front cover caught his eye immediately: Santa Claus Kidnapped. A tear came to Grand Bomber's eye. "Santa…"

----------Thunder Bomber, once again----------

Thunder Bomber lied. He really didn't have an idea. He wandered about the streets aimlessly, bored, and out of ideas. Suddenly, he noticed a piece of paper on the light pole he was approaching. On it was printed on large letters, 'Lost: Santa Claus', and below it was a picture of the one and only Santa Claus himself. And this time, for real, an idea popped into Thunder Bomber's head.

----------Bomberman begins his quest…----------

Bomberman left off, sure to bring along some cheese and soda. Black Bomber accompanied him, though he insisted he needed no help. Black Bomber called him 'insecure' and 'unintelligent'. Bomberman didn't know what either of those words meant, so he ignored them and continued walking on. "Black Bomber, where are we going?"

"Somewhere," Black Bomber replied, "it's best you didn't know."

"Iddit BAD?" Bomberman took a quick hop-step in front of Black Bomber, stopping him in his tracks. "You gotta tell me, you know you do!" He whined.

"Keep acting like that and you're not getting any presents," Black Bomber told him irritably, pushing him aside and continuing walking. Bomberman gasped and shuffled behind Black Bomber, careful not to destroy his chance of getting presents.

When the pair finally arrived at their destination, a very large gingerbread house that more resembled a gingerbread mansion stood before them. Surprisingly, it wasn't locked, so the two just entered.

"This place looks pretty harmless," Black Bomber commented, looking around. But before they knew it, threescore gingerbread warriors erupted from the walls…


	2. Act II: Save the Santaman

**Well, here we go, as promised. I was busy on Christmas Eve when I finished this, so it's up a bit late... because of that, I had to cut it down from three acts, and had to shorten the second... so, sorry everyone. Uh... though I don't really think anyone cares... points to review that was sent in by Banana, by the way... not me... I wouldn't review my own work...**

Act II: save the santa-man!

Haha, you fell for it. They weren't actually gingerbread warriors. They were more like… tried-to-be-gingerbread-warriors-but-melted-into-a-blob-of-molasses-instead.

So, stepping around the goo as best they could, Bomberman and Black Bomber found their way to the back of the gingerbread mansion. They were sure Santa would be behind the next door, but suddenly, a booming voice stopped them in their tracks.

"You will go no further!" It said, though it sounded like it was coming from the room in front of them. They decided to come inside the door despite the warning, and what they saw shocked them.

Grand Bomer

Standing by Santa Claus

Who was bound and gagged.

"You kidnapped Santa Claus?" Black Bomber gave Grand Bomber a questioning look.

"It-it's not what it looks like!" Grand Bomber insisted.

"What would you want with Santa Claus?"

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH SANTA CLAUS?"

"I told you, it's not what it looks like!"

"Bwahahahahah!" A sinister laugh interrupted their rambling, and Thunder Bomber magically dropped from the ceiling. Somehow. He ended up falling on Grand Bomber's head.

"Darn it! Why didn't that knock him out like in those cheap fanfictions that make no sense and are overly random!"

"Because this isn't one of those cheap fanfictions that make no sense and are overly random?" Bomberman suggested.

"B-but it IS!"

"No it isn't…"

Their argument was cut short by a loud noise from behind the door.

----------Ruki makes his return, finally…----------

… well, kind of as a sort of mom. Fnanit, being of very many brains and free time, was the real reason for Ruki's existence, thereby explaining his robot likeness. We say likeness, but we really don't mean it. He looked pretty much as any of the other bombers, but he was really only a simple very dark gray color with a black mask across his face, and he favored an unusually ridiculously curved sword rather than bombs, though he could use them. He just mostly… didn't. Now, Ruki is about three years old now. And I'm happy to say that his season-long birthday is finally finished. We're not quite sure when Ruki came along, but we knew it was some time in summer or fall. So we celebrate his birthday all fall, really.

Anyway, back to business. Fnanit had found her way into the gingerbread mansion as well, and had found Ruki along with it. "I haven't seen you in a while," she greeted him casually. The two… they didn't always get along so well.

"You brought him here, didn't you?" Ruki shot an accusing look at Fnanit.

"What would I want with Santa?"

"I dunno," Ruki shrugged, "'cause you could steal all his cookies… or somethin'…"

"That don't sound half bad…" Fnanit looked up into the ceiling in thought.

"So you're saying you didn't kidnap him?"

"I was sure you had."

"… We need to stay in better touch, don't we?"

"Yes, Ruki, we do."

----------Back with Santa…----------

At this point, all the Bombers had ended up in the room. Flame Bomber and Thunder Bomber were mercilessly tearing at each other's faces, each trying to capture Santa Claus to give to Pretty Bomber, who was watching the events from a safe distance. Grand Bomber was trying to make off with the jolly old man. Black Bomber and Bomberman were talking to each other casually.

"But, really, it's not like he would've captured him."

"Yeah. Honestly, no one else is here."

"Dude, is Grand Bomber glomping Santa Claus?"

"Whoa. All I know is that that doesn't look nice."

Suddenly, Grand Bomber was knocked out cold by something. Though the gang couldn't quite see what, they saw a short blur of green as something exited the room.

----------After a long conversation between Ruki and Fnanit…----------

"… but I hear she lost fifteen pounds on a potato diet."

"Hm, yeah…"

Suddenly, a green blur zipped past them.

"W-wait! What was that!"

Ruki's eyes widened. "I… I know that bunny!"

----------Back again…----------

The guys were now rushing out the door, trying to figure out what it was.

"I'll bet THAT thing kidnapped Santa!" Bomberman panted. Suddenly, they had the thing cornered in a small room. Bomberman struggled to get a good look around everyone else. He finally caught a glimpse of the thing. "L-Louie!" Bomberman's eyes inflated like giant flapjacks. "AWMIGAWD LOUIE KIDNAPPED SANTA CLAUS!"

The green bunny stared innocently up at everyone in the room. _Shoot! _He thought. _I've been figured out!_

"Aww, he's kinda cute!" Grand Bomber giggled.

"VISCIOUS BUNNIES!" Bomberman screamed, lunging at Louie, who immediately zipped off between his legs, out the door, out of the mansion.

"Well…" Flame Bomber sighed, "you just lost us our culprit…"

"THAT'S OKAY!" Bomberman assured him, smacking him on the back.

They all immediately left, kind of bored.

----------Finally, on Christmas day----------

Everyone sat around the tree. For some reason, they were all around the same tree. They all started to open their presents and they were mostly happy with them, though some of them caught fire when pommy dragon burnt down the tree. Flame Bomber and Thunder Bomber ended up, sadly, getting nothing for Pretty Bomber. Flame Bomber still got his scented candle, though! And about five more, too…

When all the unwrapping was done and everyone was happy, Bomberman noticed someone looking around the tree for a present.

"Oh shoot," Bomberman said to himself, "I forgot to get Banana a present!" He looked around frantically and saw a Hige-Hige bandit pass by. He grabbed it and crudely stuffed it in a gift bag, handing it to Banana. She opened the present excitedly.

"My very own!" She squealed, hugging it to pieces. Turned out, Bomberman's Christmas wasn't too screwy after all. Well…

INSIDE JOKE REFERENCE:

Flame Bomber incident: oh, you don't wanna know… you do not want to know…

Glomping: everyone knows Thunder Bomber's my fav'rite XD

Pyro-ninny: it has something to do with me trying to remember what podoboos were called…

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Flame Bomber sounds kinda like a ninja turtle in Jetters… and he's always been associated with them somehow, anyway…

Ruki: I really included him for the purpose of being an inside joke… Anyway, he's a little guy I put in a comic three or so years ago and he kinda caught on.

Hige-Hige for Christmas: Banana loves Higes… simple enough…


End file.
